The 7 Habits of Highly Confident People (and an 8th)
Confidence Is A Preference...
Over the last few weeks, I was delighted to be asked
to join the judging panel at two of the regional finals of the Deep
River Rock "School Stars" competition; a yearly event which invites
schools in Northern Ireland to put forward acts in a 'Stars in Their
Eyes' format.
A Life Coach Walks The Walk
...In an effort to boost the 'hobbies' spoke of my wheel of life, I recently arranged to go down to the John Hewitt in Belfast for open mic night and play/sing a few tunes. Having sung and played in an impromptu fashion on many occasions, I didn't think this was going to faze me - but it did! I had given myself a couple of weeks to learn three new songs to play, along with one old favourite, and I was nervous about making a mistake due to not knowing the songs well enough. As the time came nearer to take the stage, I focused on two things. One, to keep it simple (I'd learned a fiddly intro. to a song, but in the end I ditched it as unnecessary - instant relief!), and two, to remember that I was doing this because I love to. And this made all the difference.
In the end, it was almost a comedy of errors; a flat battery in my semi-acoustic pick-up, requiring me to call over a friend and nab his for my set, and my realisation that in a noisy pub setting, if your guitar's become un-tuned en route to the venue, you'll probably need an electric tuner. Which I didn't have - cue another request for help. It was rather embarrassing, and I even heard a mutter of 'women...', but by the time I actually settled down to the mic, it all just seemed quite comical. And when I forgot the lyrics half-way into the third song, I could only laugh again, and ask for some audience participation - directing my request to the table of good friends who'd come along to support me. The crowd duly obliged - I think they took pity on me in the end - and people even joined in with the chorus. ('Hallelujah', Jeff Buckley version, if you're interested). So in the end, not only did I enjoy the performance, but I also felt a rosy glow of sympathetic support of both friends and strangers. Ahh! And of course I learned a few lessons for next time too...
So - what are the tricks to summoning up confidence when you need it?
The 7 Habits of Highly Confident People
1. Prepare
Practice, rehearse, repeat - whether this is for an artistic performance, a presentation or an interview or tough discussion. (Get a friend to help you role-play for 'interactive' situations.) Having already 'experienced', to a certain extent, the situation in question, you'll feel more comfortable when it's actually happening. If it's a conversational situation, get a friend to play devil's advocate and give you tough questions/responses that you can come up with an answer to. Do a reasonable amount of rehearsal - and then relax; over-preparation is as harmful as none at all.
2. Aim for 'good enough', rather than 'perfect'
What would be an outstanding performance? And what would be good enough? If you put pressure on yourself to give the performance of a lifetime, or write the best thesis ever written, or give the most stimulating presentation ever, what happens if it's slightly less than outstanding? And what if you aimed instead for 'good enough'? Then you'd feel less pressure and therefore more enjoyment, which ironically could lead you to do even better than you'd hoped anyway! And after the event, instead of worrying about little things that may not have gone as well as you had hoped, ask yourself 'was it good enough?' If not, you'll know how to improve next time. If it was indeed good enough, then great!
3. Get support
Don't be scared to ask friends or family for support when you need a boost. I'm not talking about hand-holding, but a quick call to a supportive friend before a stressful interview, or bringing friendly faces with you when you're taking the stage, can make a world of difference. And when you have to be totally self-reliant...
4. Draw on past, positive experiences
The neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique of 'association' says that you should remember positive memories as vividly as possible, and learn to create 'triggers' for these memories to bring back the associated feelings. So: remember a time when you did feel very confident (or imagine what it would feel like, if you can't think of a clear example), and engage all your senses as you picture this. While you're doing this, make some small gesture, like pressing thumb and finger together, to act as the 'trigger' to bring back the good feelings when you need them. The more you practice, the stronger and quicker the feelings will come to you, until eventually you'll only need the trigger for an instant boost.
5. Focus on the situation, not yourself
Focus on the experience - enjoy it and give it 100%. For a presentation, focus on your message - what do you want people to know? When meeting new people focus on them - ask questions and take a genuine interest in their answers. In an interview, focus on the point of the interview - for you to talk about why you should be hired, and for you to find out about the company you're applying to. Don't focus on how you're coming across - pay attention yes, but on an almost subconscious level. Which becomes easier if you learn to...
6. Fake it 'til you make it
Learn the gestures, speech patterns and body language of confident people. How would you be sitting or standing if you were supremely confident? Who do you admire for being very confident? Imagine them standing in front of you, and 'step into' their body - how does your posture change? Your facial expression? Your voice? You can be saying all the confident things in the world, but you'll give it away by your body language if you don't feel it. Get the body language right and your subconscious will have to shift to 'match' your conscious behaviour.
7. Build rapport
In a presentation setting, a light-hearted remark at the start can dispel any tension in the room, and help everyone feel more relaxed. In one-to-one settings, maintain eye contact and remember to smile! You can also try matching/mirroring (copying gestures) and pacing (matching vocal speed) - but keep it subtle. Again, if you can practice this with a friend it will become more natural. Again, ask questions, and actively listen to the answers.
And finally, your bonus, 8th habit:
8. Relax about blushing
Blushing - so common, so harmless and yet so feared! If you feel
yourself blushing, just mentally note the fact, and then
let the thought go. It will subside. If you focus on it, with thoughts
such as 'oh how embarrassing! I can feel myself going bright red... don't
blush, don't blush..' etc., it will only intensify along with your stress levels. Accept that
it's happening, accept that it's perfectly normal, then switch your
attention back to the other person/conversation/audience or whatever.
Is there anything you've missed out on from a lack of confidence?
Start using the techniques above and resolve never to miss out again.
Have a great week!
Tracy Dempsey
RELATED SERVICES
Soul Ambition can help you create lasting confidence through the following related services - see the 'Coaching' page of the website for more details:
- One-on-one / group coaching
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