Think of a number - any number...
"Think of a number - any number..."
...I bet I know what it is. What's that? You don't believe in 'mind reading'? I thought not; most people probably don't. So why is it, then, that many of us assume we can do it? In our working lives, in our private lives, we often think we 'know' what someone's thinking, what they think of us, what they think is right or wrong - and worse, we assume they know what we're thinking too. A little crazy, no?
Below are some of the most common examples of 'mind reading' I come across in my coaching. If any of these sound familiar to you, see if a change in perspective can help you improve the situation.
He should know why I'm upset...
There are two reasons why statements of this type don't help you. First of all, if someone doesn't know why you're upset, then they just don't; 'should' is a judgement that doesn't change the reality. Being annoyed or upset that someone isn't doing something you want them to doesn't change the fact; it just annoys you or upsets you.
Secondly, you are expecting someone else to know what is going on in your head. Even though they don't have access to your mind, your memories, your past experiences - which may be influencing how you're feeling now - you expect them to be able to know what you're thinking or feeling - and why - without you telling them. That's a pretty tall expectation.
Of course, quite often we can guess what someone else is thinking or feeling, and why. But it's just that; guesswork. So for the sake of your sanity, and others', give up on projecting superhuman powers onto others. If you want someone to know how you're feeling or what you're thinking: tell them.
If she loved me, she would/wouldn't...
'If... would' is another judgement, which has come about from your own past experiences and personal beliefs. Your experience of relationships might differ wildly from your partner's. Your parents' relationship might have differed greatly too. As a result, you're likely to have formulated a set of beliefs about what a relationship 'should' or 'shouldn't' be, what behaviour is or isn't acceptable, and what you can expect from your partner. The problem is, people often assume that the other person has these same beliefs, and it only becomes apparent that they don't when problems crop up. Don't expect your partner to automatically share your beliefs about the various aspects of your relationship: discuss them, and agree on what boundaries, behaviours and ideas are acceptable to you both.
They'll think I'm stupid...
This is perhaps one of the most insidious examples of mind reading, and I hear it so, so often. Many of my coachees have reported not speaking up in work, or at home, amongst friends or in their families because they are scared of others' opinions. It is a horribly debilitating and frustrating state of mind to be in, and it is completely self-imposed.
The main problem here is a belief that your opinion isn't as valid or important as someone else's. If this sounds like you, drop this notion now. Everyone has a right to their opinions, and to share them; how other people choose to react is up to them. Think of how many places in the world there are where people are imprisoned - or worse - for speaking their mind. When you face no such danger for speaking yours, why would you dream of playing the dictator and stifling your own right to speak?
If someone's asking for facts and figures, and you know them; share them. If they're asking for ideas and opinions, and you have some; share them. If you're passionate about something and you want to share your feelings about it; share them.
Remember: you cannot control other people, or their actions, or external events; you can only control your own reactions to them. To borrow and tweak the words of Byron Katie in her book 'Loving What Is
Don't waste your precious time and energy trying to predict, change or control other people's actions and reactions. You can't, so it only leaves you frustrated and upset. If you stay instead 'in your own business', where you do have control, things will become so much easier.
Tracy Dempsey
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