Soul Ambition Life Coaching Belfast Northern Ireland

Valentine's Day - How Was It For You?

There are surely few dates in the calendar to cause such consternation amongst the general populace. Teenage angst can raise its floppy-fringed head to dent the confidence of the most secure single person and the day can be a minefield for new and established couples. If you had a love-filled day on Valentine's Day, great; likewise if it didn't register on your radar at all.

But if you found the 14th stressful, whether single or in a relationship, here are some ideas for improving the experience next Valentine's Day, or indeed making any day a better day for love.

Buy yourself flowers/chocolates/wine/the lot. Whether single or in a relationship, you don't need someone else to give you the things you enjoy; if they do – happy days, but the one person you should be able to rely on to make you feel happy and loved is yourself. If you're feeling blue; stick on music that makes you smile, read a good book, watch a comedy (may I recommend Anchorman, which I can't watch often enough).

Give a donation to charity. Spread the love elsewhere – take time to think of all the love you have in your life, from family, friends, things you enjoy, and pay it forward. If you're in a couple, how about making this the Valentine's Day gift to each other? Gone are the worries about how much to spend, and what to spend on, and the resentment of feeling that you have to buy a gift to 'prove' your love for each other. Why not make V Day a day to spread a little love where it's needed in the world, and just appreciate what it is you love about each other? (Note: ethical gifts such as the ones on the example sites listed below usually come with a card. Another minefield deftly side-stepped; no-one could complain about the lack of hearts around a picture of a goat. Could they?)

Trocaire: https://www.trocaire.org/globalgift/
Concern: http://www.positivepresents.org/?gclid=COOkxda6wpECFQEkQgodKU3nCA
Save the Children UK: http://savethechildren.sandbag.uk.com/Store/DisplayAllItems.html

If you find yourself judging the 'health' of your relationship by the cards and the presents you received (or didn't) from your partner, it's time to take stock. Ask yourself what it is you truly value in your relationship, and what your 'deal-breakers' are, i.e. the things that are critically important to you in a relationship. Think about ways your partner expresses love for you that have nothing to do with gifts or spending money. People show their love in different ways, but we have a tendency to judge based on our own preferred style. If you feel you're not getting enough affection, have a talk to your partner. Explain what it is that makes you feel loved; and remember that it is up to them to choose whether they want to provide this or not. If they can't, or aren't willing to compromise, then you can choose what you do in response. This is not about making demands: it's about respecting each other's right to ask for what you need and the right to choose whether or not to meet that need.

If you're single, already love yourself and are now ready to meet a partner, be clear on what you're looking for. And be very clear about what you have to offer. Ghandi famously said:

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

A variation on that theme could be "Be the person you want to meet". This doesn't mean that you're looking for a clone of yourself (remember that Seinfeld episode?) but that you're already bringing into your life the qualities that you're looking for. If you're looking for 'someone exciting', for example, look at ways that you can be more exciting, rather than wait for someone to come along and add spice to your life for you. Hobbies and interests probably won't be 'deal-breakers' (unless they're highly specialised); personal values probably will. Be clear on what's important to you so that you'll more easily recognise it when you see it – and be less likely to waste time on bad leads.

Take the focus off romantic love; phone a friend, or a family member, just to say hello, or to tell them you love them. Or call to see a neighbour who might be feeling lonely. If you're feeling like you're not getting enough love, shift your focus to how you can show love to others instead, and see if you don't feel that it is better to give than to receive.

If seeing couples everywhere gets you down, treat it like a zoological experiment. Get out on the town with a load of mates and play the people-watching game 'how long have they been dating' as you observe the mating dances unfold. You could even play for cash, if the couples in question humour you when you trot over to ask them for the truth.

For the real cynics amongst you, why not stage a fake-proposal-turned-tragedy, film it on your mobile and email it to You've Been Framed or some such, for a bit of cash (idea nabbed from local funnyman Keith Law – see the 'unexpected proposal gag' vid at www.jonjoe.net )

Down with commercial high-jacking of human emotions! And up with all kinds of love.

Tracy Dempsey

www.soulambition.co.uk

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